I’ve been back from holiday in Brazil for a few days now, and I’ve felt completely disoriented and uncomfortable. First, I have become rather ill; I guess not so bad considering I hadn’t a cold yet this winter, and I tend to get deathly ill but once a year. If this is my one time, it’s not too bad – it just happens to be rather inconvenient at this time. But more upsetting – my listlessness, which is beyond me.
In Brazil, we had scheduled activities, or at least some kind of plan to create an agenda each and every single day while in a new place. Pre-Brazil, I was constantly running around hammering out details to our trip, and also finishing some work for one of my clients. Now that I’ve returned, I’ve been feeling all wrong.
I have plenty to do – I even did up my “to do” list yesterday — it’s not too bad, but it will require some legwork and tenacity. Maybe things don’t seem set yet because I have still to receive that blasted acceptance package from CUHK (why they can’t send me an electronic version is beyond me; my entire application and visa application was done all by e-mail). But I think what it really is is that I just don’t feel that I’m “home” anymore. I don’t feel comfortable here, even if everything is familiar.
It’s rather unsettling to feel this way. Every time I’ve slept or napped, I would wake up not sure if I were in Brazil or NY. Very strange feeling. I’d have a longing for the distraction of being in Brazil, perhaps scared to finalize my days in NYC. Although I’ve been seeing friends since a matter of hours since stepping off the plane at JFK, I have no idea what to do with myself when I haven’t any plans. And since I’m now officially ill, I can’t make plans to see other people.
I feel I am neither here nor there. I’m at home yet not at home.