Monthly Archives: August 2009

The Beginning of AN End

Basically down to my final few weeks here in NYC, and it’s crunch time in a major way.  I’ve been running all over the place,  taking care of all kinds of loose odds and ends (health insurance stuff, banking, buying last minute stuff), working on getting a subletter for my roommate, selling what belongings I have (so far I’ve raised about $1650 from selling my gym membership and a few items here and there), PACKING, and of course, seeing all my friends here while I can.  It’s incredibly exhausting.

With all that I haven’t had much time to write, but as you can see, this blog is important to me for recording my feelings more so than anything else, and this weekend I’ve realized major feelings.

I suppose all the adrenaline and distractions have kept me from feeling, and I don’t doubt that I won’t even begin to realize many more emotions until after I leave.  In any case – this weekend I felt some very real anxiety, fear, and sadness.

In the past week I’ve been conscientious about taking photos of all my friends, recording all the fun, joy, love.  At first it was just usual fun – like going to a free summer concert on Pier 54 with Colin and Sam, but then it became all the more real when Oliver, Tan and Susie came down from Boston specially to visit me before my grand departure, and when I said goodbye to them, I realized how hard it will be.  I mean, I don’t see my Boston friends all that often, obviously, but knowing that I can do so within about 4 hours or so, has always given me comfort.  That is especially the case with Susanna, one of my best friends from law school, who also came up to NY that weekend from DC.

When Su moved to DC a few years ago, it did feel sad, yet it had never been hard to continue our close-knit friendship.  We talk about a few times a week on the phone, send numerous e-mails, and she visits frequently, and vice versa.  But once I move, the 12-hour time difference will make that all the more difficult, and DC is definitely much more than a 4-hour drive away.  And even if I could get accustomed to the 15+ hour plane trip, it’s not all that convenient nor as inexpensive as booking a Bolt bus.   Having that option taken away from me is rather paralyzing when it comes to my closest friends.  Even if I’m not joined at the hip to them, knowing that I am never all that far has always given me comfort.

Anxiety.

As the time winds down, I’ve also gotten some “words of wisdom” from various folks, particularly older friends, who feel the urge to leave me with some advice and encouragement.  All the seriousness about my “potential” and the “opportunity” starts to also give me stress about this “adventure,” as others term it, and I am afraid of what will come of this whole trip.  And what happens if nothing does?  I mean, that’s very unlikely, but still — what if I completely fail to take anything from this grand trip?  Will it all have been in vain?

Fear.

While uncertainty is an element in every life, I have certainly dished up more than my fair share in this venture.  I don’t know if I’ll hate Hong Kong; I don’t know if I’ll get a job at all or if I do, what kind of a job; I don’t know if I will in fact make it through a full year; I don’t know if something might call me back; I don’t know if I’ll instead get a job in a whole other part of the world, say Amsterdam or Dubai.  I have merely committed to CUHK from Sept. 3 through Dec. 4, and that’s all I know for now.

Worse, knowing so little while being so far from people who have truly been the spine of my support system seems so hard.  Having grown up with 3 sisters and a very tight knit family, complemented by very close friends, some I’ve known for decades now, I know I will really be testing myself in HK.

It was this weekend I first realized that I’m actually coming to a close on my life in NY (for now, as I keep reassuring myself), and that I am truly going to miss it.

Sadness.