I haven’t posted a “feelings” post in a while, and aptly, in order to procrastinate from class preparation, I am writing this blog entry instead.
Today I spent a lazy Sunday just getting some errands done — a long-needed facial (at a mere 98 HKD/$12!) and bought some groceries to complete my spartan kitchenette (even though I mainly cook Chinese-style food, it somehow feels better when I make it, even if it’s less tasty, than going out every meal, no matter how cheap it is).
As I was walking by Times Square (in Causeway Bay), which is – yes, you guessed it, another shopping mall here in Hong Kong, I suddenly felt emotional. Often I’ll notice myself here in this new country, realizing that I am no tourist, and wondering, “what on Earth am I doing here?!” Am I living in a fantasy? Is this fantasy the delusional/insane type, or the wondrous/amazing type?
I started thinking negatively again, worrying about where my life is going. Why did I give everything up back home to come here? Even though in many ways I’m actually far more productive here in Hong Kong than when I was in New York, particularly by taking this intensive Mandarin course and practicing Cantonese in daily life, I somehow feel worse about my spending here. I actually feel like a bum – maybe because I’m among so many hard-working finance folks.
Worse, I’ve been missing a particular person back home. Even worse still, I suspect part of my coming here was to put an end to that missing. Often I’ve wanted to give him a call (my mobile allows me very cheap international calls at about 3 cents a minute), or just to send an e-mail, but then I realize there is no point. That repeated realization gets rather painful at times.
I’ve also been thinking about Mom now and again. I couldn’t possibly avoid it, now that I’m here in one of her former cities. The thoughts can be rather painful, actually, and, I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or unfortunate, I’ll just shove any sadness aside because I just don’t have the time to cry!
Is it running away? My former fencing coach and dear friend Jarek immediately asked me what I was running from when I told him I was planning to move to Hong Kong. Somehow he smelled it out over the phone, and I just don’t know how to answer that question. I’ll admit that a part of me suspects the same, yet on the other hand, I don’t doubt that I won’t be productive in coming here anyway.
Over the weekend I met more people having gone to a barbecue at someone’s apartment (which was incredibly spacious and well-furnished, which gave me hope of living here yet) and my first junk. I felt encouraged to work here in HK, in spite of my apprehension over the inordinate hours people seem to belabor here. So in a sense, I became more intrigued about actually staying here for some kind of long-term stay.
And that’s a good thing! In New York, I’d lost all fervor for life and love, it seemed. I was living comfortably, but not particularly productively. I had great ideas, but no motivation to execute them. Something was most certainly wrong.
In addition to those few tasks I got done this Sunday, I also spent a good amount of time revising my resume — something I hadn’t wanted to do in ages. I was inspired by this German banker I met at the bbq on Friday, who has worked in several cities, including Amsterdam and Singapore. He encouraged me to look out for good opportunities, because it was his firm belief that just about any opportunity here in HK would be good for me and my career, and the experience of living here as an employee, and not just a student, would be fruitful. So getting away/running away – who cares, I’m getting somewhere.