Another Return and Feeling Like a Harsh Lover

I’ve been wondering what to write about for the longest time. Been bouncing around a few ideas that need to be more researched, but I’ve just been incredibly busy these past few weeks trying to sort out a bunch of paperwork as I prepare to make an application with the Hong Kong Law Society to become locally qualified (I’ll detail all this pain in another post).  But I’ve felt even more crunched for time of late because I am heading back to New York in less than 2 weeks!

One of my best friends, law school classmates, and former roommates, Anna, is getting married on July 4, and I was honored with the request to be a bridesmaid.  I could not say no, but of course, being halfway around the world makes it a tad difficult to plan a hen night, bridal shower, plus fulfill other bridesmaid duties.  Additionally, since I was constantly under pressure to get some other pressing matters sorted (finding an apartment, moving, setting up my home, and now this local qualification stuff), I’d have even less time.  I feel worse since I felt I was able to put in 110% for Susanna’s wedding the year before (dress shopping, fittings, etc.), and I always like to give whatever I do more than my very best.  Unfortunately (so sorry Anna), I was not sure I did that here!  On top of that, the other two bridesmaids live in Africa and Australia — so the each of us, bride included, are on different continents!

About a month before the wedding date, I bought my flights, and due to another wedding and a chance to go see Russell Peters with Oli at the end of July, ended up booking an entire month in the States.  Friends have been asking if I’m pumped to go back, and sadly, I’m not.  It’s strange.  I am, of course, happy to go see old friends and family (definitely want to spend a lot more quality time with my Granny), and yes, I’m looking forward to eating my favorite NY goodies (Luzzo’s pizza, J.G. Melon burgers, some quality yet not exorbitantly priced bistro fare, pub grub at St. D’s, etc.), and definitely believe that New York in the summers is the best (all the free outdoor concerts, movies, events!), and yet no – I’m not feeling it!

I’m terrible.  How can I say that about my first love, my self-proclaimed true love, New York?  My last visit back involved three weeks in New York last December. I was horribly jet-lagged, and I had to struggle through it as I had a packed social calendar, a family wedding, lots of meals/drinks/parties with friends, the holidays, even someone from HK came into NY!  I also had to do a lot catching up with home business, made appointments with all sorts of people to make sure things were still running smoothly in my absence.

By the third week, I was oddly depressed.  Part of it was likely due in part to a difficult relationship issue, which is always saddening, but I don’t think that was it.  Suddenly, all the feelings of listlessness and uselessness rushed back into my body and my brain, and I was so unhappy.  I wanted to cry, and would cry, I felt desperate for help.  I even did a lot of research on affordable therapy in Hong Kong.

Then I left, went to India, and started off life in HK with a bang in the new sublet, school, even Namit’s visit.  And I quickly forgot all those feelings of depression.  Why did that happen?

And I am anxious about my return to NY for that reason – four whole weeks.  I’m trying to figure in some side trips to DC and New England to distract myself, but am not sure how that will work out — still a few moving parts in my schedule that I need to consider.  I also am arranging to stay with Peter in his apartment in Chelsea, to help alleviate the back and forth of my Manhattan – Queens commute, to ease the jet lag symptoms.   I know I will be busy (I need to obtain a lot of original documents for this Law Society application – all before July 9), but am I going to fall ill with depression again?

I do love New York, my friends, my family, yet I can’t understand it — why is it that there is something not right with me and New York right now? I am not excited to go back, and I just want to stay in HK to continue moving forward in solidifying my life here.  Worse, I feel sorry to admit this.  It’s a strange feeling.  Now I can firmly say that I’m not in a “neither here nor there” mode — I’m most definitely more here than there, and as happy as that makes me, that too doesn’t quite feel right.

[to be continued]


One response to “Another Return and Feeling Like a Harsh Lover

  1. I’m not the sort to take the time posting comments on individuals blogs typically nevertheless after stumbling across yours I thought I might shoot a quick line to give me a break from working. Needless to say I’ve become a tad distracted after sticking around to check out some of your articles. You have some good insights here, so I am going to add you to my Google Reader for the future. Regards!

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